To my Dearest Husband

I realise this sounds like a confession, but I can assure you it is nothing but prose. I'm not even married.

To my dearest husband,

I don’t know how it happened. While I was away, I met this guy. He was totally different from you; blonde, while your hair is brown, and my age while you are older. Don’t get me wrong, you and he are both very attractive, but in very different ways. I suppose it was the differences that attracted me to him.

I hope you never read this, for I know it will break your heart. I’m not sure I could take two broken hearts on my conscience.

His name was Adam. We met through friends and got on well immediately. It wasn’t long before we fell for each other.

Adam seemed to care for nothing but me, my happiness. He did everything for me, and had eyes only for me. I was dimly aware of it, but felt I had no way to stop it. In truth, I didn’t want to. I had begun to care for him and it made my heart ache with the thought that I would have to hurt one of you. You, who I loved with every fibre of my being, and he who cared for me so.

And still, I started seeing him. I didn’t mean to, but somehow our hugs turned into kisses and cuddles. It didn’t go much further than that.

One night, we lay together in our underwear, in his bed. He painted patterns on my belly in chocolate while we laughed and chatted, then he leaned down to lick them off before wrapping his arms around me. I know you would rather not know these details, but I hope you never will.

While Adam nuzzled my neck and kissed me, he spoke of things that set my heart racing and my mind on edge. He told me at Christmas, we would visit his family, go home to them. Together. He was so pleased by this thought, of having me meet his family, but my stomach drew itself into painful knots. I was thinking of you. You, who expected me home for Christmas; you, for whom no reason would suffice if I were not. You, who loved me, blind, and now without any reason to. But there was Adam, who did so too.

I drew away, forced myself to look at him, to look in his eyes. His eyes knew something was wrong.

My reason was that I didn’t see forever for us. It was true, if not the only reason. He hugged me and I held him while his heart broke, and mine with it in a way. It hurt to hurt him so.

But I had chosen you.

Then I left. I walked down the cobbled street in the amber lamplight, for it was now night time. My tears fell, like the ones that had glittered in Adam’s eyes hadn’t.

But I had chosen you.